Feedback and Criticism: Pre and Post Healing

Every word felt like a personal attack. I constantly felt like a piece of shit and that I couldn’t do anything right.

“You fu*ked up again Mark.”

“You can’t do anything right.”

“You just did this last week and said you wouldn’t do it again.”

When I was in survival mode for so many years struggling with my trauma, these were my thoughts when something didn’t go right.

It didn’t matter how big or how small, my thoughts were the same.

These were my thoughts when getting feedback from the ones that cared about me the most. I couldn’t handle any feedback or criticism; it was all validation to me that I was a mess and would never change.

Feedback While in Survival Mode

Feedback, no matter how compassionate, can be a trigger for someone that’s living in survival from a traumatic event. It was a trigger for me.

For me, feedback felt like danger, a threat, something I had to protect myself from. Again, it didn’t matter how compassionate the person delivering the feedback was, it felt like a threat. I felt like I was being attacked.

I tied my worth to my performance as well. If I made a mistake, then made the same mistake the following day or week, I would feel like a complete failure and all of those negative thoughts would come rushing back. Your performance is not a reflection of your worth.

The longer you go without addressing your trauma, the stronger those survival instincts become. I dealt with my trauma for 20 years and didn’t accept much help during this time.

I “had it all figured out and would be fine,” that was my thought process. I was scared. The longer we live in survival mode, the harder it’s going to be for us to change. These survival mechanisms become who we are.

The most powerful emotion that can be triggered when we’re living in survival mode is shame. It doesn’t take much to trigger shame when we’re battling our trauma. This was the most difficult emotion or feeling for me to overcome. Each time I received feedback, made a mistake, or didn’t do something I said I was going to do, shame was triggered, and it just validated that I was a bad person.

Trauma is going to cause you to view everything through the lens of survival. All of the personal experiences I listed above came from a place of survival mode. This is how I lived my life for 20 years before I started my healing journey. Now, I’m going to show you how starting my healing journey changed my perspective around receiving feedback from others.

Feedback When You Start Your Healing Journey

We need feedback to grow. We must get feedback to know where we can improve. One of the biggest mindset shifts that happened for me when I started healing is that I stopped viewing feedback as a threat. It was no longer a threat, and I didn’t tie my self-worth to the feedback I was receiving.

The feedback you receive from others is not a reflection of your identity. This is really important to understand. You are not a reflection of the feedback you’re receiving.

Feedback is information that you can choose to use or not use. You must take feedback and filter it through your values and whether it can help you become the person you want to become. But, it’s not your identity.

As you start addressing those wounds from your past, you’ll start finding your identity and slowly stop rooting it in what others think and say about you. You’ll start becoming confident in who you are beneath all those layers of protection. You’ll start intentionally working on your mindset and reframing those negative thoughts.

When you’re not living in survival mode and protecting yourself, you can start looking at things from a lens of curiosity and not judgement. Instead of being defensive about something somebody said, you can ask yourself, “Is there something I can learn from this?”

It’s this perspective shift that’s possible once you start healing. If there’s nothing you can learn from it, then let it go, it’s not personal.

As you start to heal, you’ll be able to tell the difference between feedback or criticism from someone that’s trying to hurt you, and criticism or feedback from someone that cares about you and is trying to help you. You can ignore the ones from those trying to hurt you and be more responsive from those that are looking out for you.

I think the biggest advantage to healing is that you can start using feedback for what it’s supposed to be, a tool for growth. Feedback is one of the best tools for us to improve.

When you stop taking it personally and start coming from a place of curiosity, you can grow into the person you’re trying to become.

Journaling Prompt

“When you receive feedback or criticism, what story do you tell yourself about who you are?”

• Where do you feel the reaction in your body?

• What past experiences might be connected to this feeling?

• What would it look like to receive feedback without tying it to your identity or worth?

• What would you say to a friend who was feeling this way?

There’s a reason why you’re taking feedback and criticism so personally and it’s usually tied to something that happened in your past. You’re protecting yourself because you feel threatened.

You’ve tied the words to your worth and identity. It’s not supposed to be this way, and you can change this when you start your healing journey.

You can get to a place where you can use feedback and criticism for what they were intended for; tools for us to grow, get better, be the person we envision becoming.

If it’s good feedback, then use it. If it’s not helpful or coming from a place of malice from someone, then say “f*ck it,” and move on. It doesn’t have an effect on you.

When you feel triggered by something, there’s a reason for it and it’s your body’s way of telling you that something needs to be addressed. Use these signs to address those areas during your healing journey.

Stay positive and take action!

Thank you for your support!

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