From Survivor to Thriver: My Journey Through Shame and Healing

The Aftermath of Sexual Abuse

It’s hard to describe what life feels like after sexual abuse. You can Google what happens to the brain and body, the symptoms survivors face, and the long-term effects, but reading about it and actually living it are two completely different things.

Many survivors find themselves unable to explain or even comprehend what happened. One moment, life feels normal. The next, your world spins, and nothing makes sense anymore.

It’s unfathomable to think that one human being could violate another in such a way, yet it happens every single day.

The Weight of Shame

I don’t carry hate in my heart anymore because I know what hate does to me. But when it comes to sexual abusers, that’s as close as I’ll ever come to hating anyone.

What’s even more heartbreaking is that it’s the victims who end up living with the shame and guilt as if they did something wrong. How does that make sense? It shouldn’t be possible, but it is.

Every day, survivors of sexual abuse die by suicide. They die because the shame becomes too heavy to carry. It breaks my heart because they did nothing wrong.

For years, I believed I had done something wrong. Even after my abuser was convicted and sent to prison, I still carried that shame. I felt guilty as if it were my fault. That feeling stayed with me for nearly twenty years, and it almost took my life.

The Fight to Stay Alive

There were times when I didn’t want to live anymore. The pain and shame felt unbearable. What kept me alive was my family.

I couldn’t leave my wife and kids behind, forcing them to question whether I loved them or somehow blame themselves. I couldn’t do that to them and I’m thankful every day that I didn’t.

My family gave me a reason to live. But not everyone has that anchor. For many survivors, shame becomes an ocean that swallows them whole.

Understanding Shame

Shame is the voice that whispers:
“Something’s wrong with you.”
“You’re defective.”
“You don’t belong.”

It’s one of the hardest emotions to deal with because it lies. That’s the worst part; shame is a lie.

There is nothing wrong with survivors of sexual abuse. They did nothing wrong. The problem lies with the predators, the ones who should carry the weight of shame for what they’ve done.

People sometimes say, “They were abused too,” as if that justifies their actions. But I don’t buy it. The man who abused me was also abused as a child, but that doesn’t excuse what he did. I would never do to another person what he did to me. That’s not healing, that’s avoidance and denial. Accountability matters.

Owning My Story

If you’re reading this and you are a survivor of sexual abuse, hear me clearly:
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
You did nothing wrong.
You are not broken.
And you can heal.

I used to be terrified to share my story. When I first spoke out on social media, I worried about what people, especially those who knew me would think. But now, I don’t care. My mission is to help others heal.

Out of all the posts I’ve shared, I can only remember one negative comment. You know what I did? I smiled and moved on. Because that comment meant my story was being seen, and if it helps even one person, it’s worth it.

When I was struggling the most, I wish I could have heard other men speak openly about their abuse and their healing. That’s why I do this work, to be that voice for someone else.

Facing, Accepting, and Rebuilding

You can’t just tell a survivor to “get over it.” It doesn’t work that way. I’ll never “get over” what happened to me, and that’s okay. It’s a part of who I am.

Healing for me began with three steps: facing, accepting, and rebuilding.

1. Facing your past.
   You can’t outrun it. It will always catch up to you. Healing starts the moment you stop running and turn to face it head-on.

2. Accepting what happened.
   I had to accept that I will always be a survivor of sexual abuse. I stopped pretending it didn’t happen. I accepted it as part of my story and decided to use it for good.

3. Rebuilding your identity.
   This is where you reconnect with who you’re meant to become. That person is still inside you, buried beneath the trauma. As you peel back the layers, you start to see them again. Bit by bit, you rebuild.

That’s when you stop merely surviving and start thriving.

The Lifelong Journey of Healing

Healing isn’t a one-time event. It’s not something you “finish.” It’s a lifelong journey filled with ups and downs. There will be setbacks, but the beauty is realizing that you’ll get through them because you refuse to give up.

Healing isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress.
Not every day will feel like progress, but when you look back over weeks, months, and years, you’ll see how far you’ve come.

Visualize who you’re becoming. See that version of yourself every day. Bad days will come, but they don’t define you. Show yourself compassion and grace and keep moving forward.

Because you’re worth it.

You Are Worth It

You are no longer just a survivor.
You are a thriver.

You’ve endured the unthinkable and you’re still here. The strength you need is already inside you.

And if you’re thinking it’s too late to start healing, it’s not.
No matter your age, no matter your past, it’s never too late.

Your soul is waiting to be healed, waiting to become who you were always meant to be. You are worthy, you are strong, and you can begin your healing journey today.

Stay positive and take action!

Thank you for your support!

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