It's All in The Pause

When it comes to emotional regulation, it’s all in the pause.

Do you often find yourself reacting or responding?

For many years, I found myself reacting.

Now, I’m starting to turn the tables and learning how to respond.

Reacting is immediate, automatic, and emotionally driven, without conscious.

Responding means pausing to engage the prefrontal cortex (the rational, decision-making part of the brain) before acting.

The pause is the space between stimulus and action, and that space can change everything.

If you’ve ever seen Rocky II, there’s a scene where Mickey has Rocky chasing a chicken to build speed and quickness. At first, Rocky looks clumsy, slow, and uncoordinated.

This is what it can feel like when you first try to improve emotional regulation, especially if you’ve lived without it for years.

Trauma rewires the body for protection, not calmness. After trauma, your brain tends to think:

“Better to overreact than risk harm.”

Without new skills, survival mode runs the show. That’s how you end up overreacting to your co-worker for something minor, like singing at their desk for the fifth time today.

To retrain yourself, you need to work on both:

1. The Mind: Shifting through patterns.

2. The Body: Calming physiological responses so you can feel safe again.

The pause is the moment between being triggered and taking action. It’s what gives you the power to choose a different response instead of running on autopilot.

Here’s an example:

Instead of snapping at someone, you stop, breathe, and think:

“What’s really going on here? How do I want handle this?”

Exercises to Practice the Pause

1. The 4-Second Breathe

• Inhale for 4 seconds

• Hold for 4 seconds

• Exhale for 4 seconds

• Hold for 4 seconds

2. Ground in 5 Senses

When emotions spike, name:

1. 5 things you see

2. 4 things you feel/touch

3. 3 things you hear

4. 2 things you smell

5. 1 thing you taste

3. The Micro-Pause

• Notice the trigger

• Silently say: “Pause.”

• Ask yourself:

  • “What do I want the outcome to be?”

  • “What will matter most tomorrow?”

4. React vs. Respond Journal

Track:

• Trigger: What happened?

• Automatic Reaction: What did I do/feel?

• Pause Strategy Used: Breathing, grounding, etc.

• Chosen Response: What I did after regulation.

• Outcome: How it turned out.

Building the Skill

Changing your default reaction takes practice. Here’s how to start:

1. Pick one technique from above and use it consistently.

2. Develop awareness: Notice when you’re reacting instead of responding.

3. Be patient: This is a skill, not a switch.

4. Celebrate progress: Over time, pausing and responding will become your new normal.

Remember: The goal is not perfection, it’s progress.

Every time you pause instead of reacting, you’re rewiring your brain for emotional growth.

Stay positive and take action!

Thank you for your support!

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