Making Sense of it All

I think one of the most challenging things for a sexual abuse or sexual assault survivor to wrap their heads around is trying to make sense of what happened to them and the “why.”

It’s natural for us to want to make sense of what happened.

We want to understand the reason “why” the abuse took place.

We want to pinpoint the reason why it took place so that we can avoid it happening again in the future.

I struggled with this when I dealt with my sexual abuse.

Here’s what I came up with after thinking about it for a long time; there is no good explanation or reason for why it happened to you.

I know this may not sit well with you but let me explain.

In my opinion, the longer you focus on “why” it happened the less time you put towards your healing.

At the end of the day, bad things happen to good people.

That’s what it comes down to.

You cannot explain why someone would ever violate another person with an act like sexual abuse or sexual assault.

The bottom line, they’re messed up and they need help.

They didn’t get this help, and they committed these disturbing acts to others.

I think the sooner you accept this, the sooner you can get on with your healing.

Accepting this fact led me to a powerful truth that helped my healing the most; IT WASN’T MY FAULT.

IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

I’ll say it again, IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

Until you can honestly accept that it wasn’t your fault for what happened to you deep down in your soul, it’s going to be difficult to heal from these wounds.

You see, when we try to make sense of it all, we’re still implying that we are to blame for what happened to us.

After all, we must have done something to provoke this otherwise it wouldn’t have happened, right?

WRONG.

All this does is make us feel shame.

Shame will continue to keep you in a victim mentality and feeling like you’re not worthy of healing.

This is not true and accepting the fact that there is no explanation for what happened to you other than the fact that the individual that violated you is messed up, is going to set you on your way to healing.

Now, here’s the other part of the equation.

You’re not to blame for what happened to you, but you’re responsible for what you do moving forward.

As I discussed in a previous newsletter, one of the six pillars of mindset change is “Ownership.”

You and only you can own your journey going forward.

You must be the one that makes the decision to deal with your trauma and start changing your life.

You can do this, I did.

Believe me when I say it’s possible.

It may not seem like it now, but it’s possible.

Once you let go of the fact that there is no good reason for why the abuse happened to you, you must own your path forward.

Once you’re able to believe in your soul that it wasn’t your fault (because there are some messed up people in this world), the blame, shame, and anger will start to dissipate.

This is when the real healing begins.

Healing from the trauma caused by sexual abuse is the best gift you can ever give to yourself, and you’re worth it.

Stay positive and take action!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this newsletter. I don’t take it for granted and I’m grateful for every one of you.

If you’d like to learn more about my journey or sign up for a free 15-minute discovery call, visit my website at marktoner80.wixsite.com/survivor-to-thriver