Strength is Found in Vulnerability

“Vulnerability is strength. It is being honest about who you are & about your experiences.” - Tara Estacaan

I got into bodybuilding when I was younger.

I actually competed in a bodybuilding competition in 2003.

I didn’t win or anything, but it was a great experience (remember, growth comes from doing things that are uncomfortable).

I wanted to be as big as possible; I was never big enough.

Sure, I loved seeing the progress with my body, however, deep down I did it for a different reason.

I loved being big and feeling strong because it made me feel safe.

I felt less vulnerable the bigger and stronger I became.

I thought I was helping myself, but I wasn’t.

This was just another way of not dealing with the sexual abuse from my past.

I would do everything I could to make myself feel better, except address the sexual abuse from my past.

It was too difficult to go there so I used band aids to try and “fix” myself.

It doesn’t work that way.

You may trick yourself into feeling “safe” for a while, but it’s a false safe.

Pretty soon, the true feelings will come back and come back with a vengeance.

We weren’t designed to hold in toxic emotions and pretend things that happened to us didn’t happen.

I’m going to say this again and again and again, you can try to ignore the trauma from your past, go to a few counseling sessions and think you’re good to go, but it will always come back to get you at some point.

You have to deal with it and deal with it and deal with it until it doesn’t bother you anymore.

You have to get used to talking about it, thinking about it, and accepting it as a part of who you are.

You’re going to feel vulnerable for long time while doing this.

You’re going to want to run away.

You just have to push a little more every day until it’s not an issue to discuss.

The vulnerability will start to disappear, and you’ll notice a confidence start to appear.

It’s pretty amazing actually, I didn’t expect this to happen when I started addressing the trauma from my past.

When I finally made the decision to address it for good, I didn’t know what to expect.

As I got deeper and deeper into my healing, I realized that I wanted to help people that were struggling like I struggled for so long.

I wish I had another male figure sharing their story or that I could talk to that had been through what I’d been through to help me work through it.

As I started to think about this more and more, it came to me; I knew what I had to do and that was share my story.

I felt the only way I was going to truly help others and be a change is by getting the most vulnerable I’d ever been in my life and share my story.

I was terrified when this thought first came to me and didn’t know if it was the right decision for a long time.

I thought about it a lot, I thought about the consequences of sharing it, and ultimately, I decided to do it because that’s where I felt God was leading me.

I decided to take the leap, and it was scary.

I knew it was the right decision when I started getting messages from people thanking me for sharing my story and that they had been through a similar experience.

I’m here to tell you today, you must try to start leaning into your vulnerability.

It’s going to be difficult because you’ve built all of these barriers around you for so many years.

You have a lot of reactions to situations that you’re not even aware of you’ve been doing them so long.

Once you start to heal, you’ll notice them more and they must be addressed.

I’m not saying you must share your story like I did, but you’re going to have to start facing them in your own way.

I never realized how strong I was until I became my most vulnerable.

You can do it, one step at a time.

Stay positive and take action!

Thank you for your support!

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