The Chains of Trauma, Waiting, and Unresolved Trauma

The Chains of Trauma

Acceptance is powerful. We all want to feel accepted. It’s even more important to feel excepted when you went through a traumatic event in your life.

After a traumatic event like sexual abuse, the last thing you want to do is stick out. I found myself in this situation for many years. I would find ways to fit in no matter what. I didn’t want people to not like me, and I didn’t want them to know my past.

I never felt like I knew who I was. I would laugh when I was supposed to laugh, agree when I was supposed to agree, and say the thing that I was supposed to say to avoid confrontation. It was all a game I was playing to fit in and be accepted.

Acceptance meant safety for me. It was comforting to be accepted. It felt good to feel belonged to a group even if it wasn’t genuine.

Another term for this type of behavior would be “people pleasing.” I didn’t have the confidence to push back or speak the truth. I didn’t feel empowered, I felt weak and scared. I still felt like I was that 15-year-old that experienced sexual abuse, the one that couldn’t stop it back then.

I was still that 15-year-old filled with shame, embarrassment, guilt, and blame. The chains that bound me were tied to the past.

I’m continuing to find my voice more and more today. The chains of the past don’t all break at once, they start to break one at a time as you continue your healing journey.

The first step was addressing the past. This started to give me my confidence back. When I got to a point where I could accept my past, knowing that my past of sexual abuse will always be a part of me, that is woven into the fabric of my very being, I gained even more confidence.

I’m more aware now of who I’m becoming and what I want. I’m more aware of when I need to say “no” to something and not just go with what’s going to get me accepted. It’s a process, it’s about taking one step at a time. With each step comes more growth.

Some days will be a step or two back, but that doesn’t mean I quit or give up anymore. That means I recognize it for what it is, a bad day and keep pushing forward knowing that tomorrow is going to be better.

I’m comfortable now with knowing that not everyone is going to like me and that not everyone should like me. It’s about not saying sorry when I did nothing wrong. All of those little things add up to keep you in a victim state. No more.

Healing brings you to a point where you know there is only so much time here to live life and every moment counts. It’s not that time was wasted when I was suffering with my trauma, it’s the fact that I have a lot I want to accomplish with the time I have left. I want to use my lessons to help as many people as I can.

I will continue to chip away at my trauma and continue to heal. I’m going to focus on growing every day into the person I want to become, the person I’m becoming. I’m intentional about this now and not sleepwalking through life. I’m more aware than ever about what’s happening.

Do I have a lot more growth to experience in this area? Yes. I’m on my way though. I look at each day as an opportunity to get better and for opportunities to come my way. My perspective has shifted regarding many things now. Challenges are opportunities for growth and opportunities for bigger opportunities. It’s all about perspective.

Fear and self-doubt no longer dominate my life. I’m starting to dominate them more and more. 

Does Waiting Work?

“Good things come to those that wait.”

Do you remember this quote. This was one of the most popular quotes throughout my life.

Here’s the thing; in my experience, good things don’t come to those who wait. Good things come to those that are intentional, show up every day and put in the work, and patient.

Waiting isn’t going to do anything for you.

You must be “actively waiting.” Actively waiting means that you’re working towards your goal every day.

You’re taking some sort of action every day that’s going to get you a little closer to your goal.

Unresolved Trauma

We’re not meant to carry unresolved trauma. It’s toxic and will eventually be the thing that destroys us.

The reason why I turned to alcohol, gambling, and wanted to kill myself for so many years was due to the unresolved trauma that I was carrying.

There’s no playbook or instruction manual that tells you how to deal with sexual abuse. There are no step-by-step instructions for healing and living a “normal” life after you’ve experienced sexual abuse.

Do I believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes. However, there are things that happen in life where it’s hard to imagine that they happened for a reason, and this is one of them.

I can’t imagine there’s a reason why someone goes through sexual abuse. Since I started my healing journey, I’ve realized something; I’ve realized that I have a purpose now to use my pain to help others with their pain.

I no longer look back on my past and wish it never happened or wish that I didn’t experience the struggles I experienced. I know now that I have a purpose to help others that have gone through sexual abuse, that are struggling now to get through each day and show them that they can heal.

Again, not saying that there’s a reason for what happened to me. At the end of the day, bad things happen to good people every day. It’s unfortunate and will always be this way.

We can use our trauma to find our purpose. This will not happen unless you start healing from it. Once you can address your trauma and start healing those wounds, you’ll find your strength.

I find more and more strength each time I help someone else start their healing journey. I’m not just helping them, but I’m healing more and more myself.

You can do the same. You can be the light to someone that’s been sitting in the darkness for years.

If it’s one thing I’ve learned during my healing journey it’s that perfection does not exist. It’s going to be a bumpy ride and you’re going to feel like you’re back at square one some days. That’s okay though. I’ve accepted this because I’m not going for perfection, I’m going for real. I’m not trying to hide anything anymore or pretend I’m okay when I’m not.

Sometimes it’s taking life one minute at a time, taking the hits that it throws at you, and getting back up when it knocks you down. Each time you get up, you get stronger. This is where resilience and strength are built. They’re not built when things are going well, when all the bills are paid, and everyone’s happy, no, they’re built when life throws a haymaker at you and knocks you on your ass and you make the decision to get back up once you get your bearings.

That’s what life is all about. Just like a boxer, you get used to taking punches and get stronger and stronger. The punches that used to hurt or knock you on your ass no longer do that. It takes a lot more to knock you down.

You must build it. You must be intentional about it and choose to stay in the fight. You start the fight when you address your past. When you go back to the time when you were hurt, when the trauma started, that’s when you decide to fight.

The real fight begins when you open those old wounds that never had a chance to heal. It’s going to be a fight. This is when you decide to get back up because you’re going to get knocked down and you’re going to get knocked down fast.

For many years, I stayed down. I didn’t get back up and keep fighting. It got difficult and I quit. I went back to my comfort and felt defeated.

When I started my healing journey for the last time, I chose to fight no matter what. I got knocked down a lot but got back up every time. I’m glad I did.

Again, it’s not going to be perfect. Nothing is perfect and that is not the goal. You’re going to make mistakes until the day you die and that’s the way life is supposed to be lived. Use the information you gain from making those mistakes to continue to improve.

You’re on the right track when you’re doing this, learning. I encourage you to start your healing journey today. Take that first step by addressing your past. Go back to that dark place that you shut the door on years ago. It’s going to be scary and you’re going to run, but it’s the only way you’re going to start healing from deep within.

You can do it, I promise.  

Stay positive and take action!

Thank you for your support!

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