The Fear of Being Seen: How I Took My Power Back; Not Easy, Not Pretty, But Worth It; and The Cost of Not Being There

The Fear of Being Seen: How I Took My Power Back

The fear always came from being exposed. I felt if I was exposed for who I really was, I would be less than what I was already. People would think I was a freak if I was exposed.

It’s easy to say, “Who gives a fuck what people think about you” if you’ve never experienced sexual abuse.

This is why I think it always starts with us addressing our past. I couldn’t address my past for so many years. If I did address it, I could only handle so much of it before I would lose it. I would become angry and shut down.

I remember during my senior year of high school when I was constantly in and out of court because of my trial. I was terrified that the school would find out what I was going through. I was waiting for the day when I went to school and had everyone staring at me and whispering behind my back as I walked down the hallway. This never happened because nobody found out.

Kids are cruel and they will expose you to make themselves feel better, we know this. I don’t know if I could have handled it if that happened. This is one of the biggest hurdles to get over when you decide to heal. You’re going to be concerned with what people think about you. However, I think it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. Once I faced my past and started to get comfortable with the fact that I was sexually abused and that will always be a part of who I am today, was able to accept it, I felt empowered. Once I accepted it, I was able to take that next step and share my story.

I was terrified when I decided to share my story. Everyone in the world had a chance to see my story. Everyone I knew throughout my entire life would have a chance to see what I went through. However, it was the most therapeutic step I took on my healing journey. It was amazing at how free I felt when I finally stopped protecting my past. When I opened up to help others, it was the biggest healing for me. I had nothing to hide anymore. I had no secret that I was holding onto.

You see, when I was holding onto my past, I was holding onto the shame, disappointment, embarrassment, anger, etc. When I shared my story, I got rid of a lot of those negative feelings that were trapped because I was holding onto my past. That’s the best way to describe it; the shame, embarrassment, guilt, etc. was attached to the past, they were attached to the past I was holding onto, guarding, refusing to let go of. Once I was able to let go of it, to share my story, I was able to start letting go of the negative emotions that came along with it.

This is why we address our past, this is why we talk about it, this is why we share our story, not only to help others, but to help ourselves release those negative feelings. We can never outrun the past. It’s always going to catch up to us just when we think we’ve left it behind for good. It will catch up to us and hit us like a train. It’s going to hit us hard. When we choose to face it, we choose to fight, to empower ourselves and give us a chance to release the negative emotions that we’ve been harboring in our souls. 

Note Easy, Not Pretty, But Worth It

There’s so much information out there regarding trauma and how it affects the brain. Yes, trauma changes the structure of the brain and has catastrophic impacts to our lives.

No matter how much information we read or what we know about trauma and the brain, it always comes down to one thing: choosing to do something about. It comes down to choosing to address your trauma, accept your trauma as a part of you, and start to develop your new identity. It comes down to choosing to heal and fight through all the bullshit that’s going to be thrown at you when you make the decision to do something about it.

First and foremost, you must be mentally prepared for the biggest fight of your life. It’s going to be a fight every day. You’re going to decide you want to change, and every demon is going to come out to prevent that from happening. All the fear and self-doubt will come raining down on you when you decide that you want to heal.

I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t expect it to be so difficult when I made the decision to heal. I gave into the negative emotions, the vulnerability, the pain, the discomfort, they all sent me running for cover and back to my comfort.

I’m telling you right now, it’s not going to be easy and you’re going to be under attack. You win by knowing this and taking on one battle at a time, one thought at a time, improving your self-awareness, and just choosing to show up and fight every day. You may take a step or two back on some days, and that’s okay. It’s about staying in the fight and not throwing in the towel. That’s key.

Start small. Find things that work for you and stay consistent with doing them. For example, try meditating, journaling, exercising, yoga, using resources that help you, it doesn’t matter what it is, try it and if it works for you, keep doing it. Building consistency with good habits is key.

Watch your self-talk. Commit to not talking to yourself like a piece of shit anymore. You should be your own best friend. You deserve it. Find something worth living for and use that to help you when you get stuck. Keep fighting. 

The Cost of Not Being There

It was very difficult for me to live in the moment. I spent a lot of time chained to my past and dreading my future.

I didn’t handle this well when I knew I would be leaving my family for a deployment. Instead of enjoying the time I had with my family, I was already thinking about being gone, I was already gone.

I shut down. I didn’t want to feel the emotions. I started protecting myself, going into survival mode, getting my mind set for what was to come. I ruined many moments because of this mentality. I spent a lot of time checked out, pissed off, and not there for my family.

The worst thing we can do to ourselves is put too much focus on the past or the future. The moment is where we need to keep our focus. We’re meant to live in the moment because it’s all we have. The moment is where memories are made. We can’t make good memories if we’re chained to the past or thinking about the future.

Your trauma will do this to you. If it senses that you have any kind of vulnerability in the future, it will shut you down, so you don’t get hurt again. I shut down to protect myself because I didn’t want to feel vulnerable. I’ve done some things I wish I could take back because of this. Moments I wish I could do over now that I’m healing, but I can’t. I try to embrace every moment now so that I won’t have those regrets anymore. 

Stay positive and take action!

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