There was so much I didn't know.

I didn't understand how trauma had impacted my nervous system. I didn't know how it was affecting me every day, or what those effects actually felt like in my own life.

I'm not sharing anything revolutionary or pretending I came up with this information myself. I'm simply sharing what I've learned during my healing journey in the hope that it helps someone who is struggling right now.

My goal is to share these lessons in small pieces, not to overwhelm people, but to help them understand something important:

You are not broken. You're dealing with the effects of trauma.

Trauma changes the brain and disrupts normal functioning in many ways. One of the areas it impacts most, and one of the areas I struggled with the longest, is identity and self-perception.

Trauma can create:

I struggled with every single one of these.

For years, I had no idea why.

Not only did I not know who I was, I didn't want to be myself.

I was constantly comparing myself to other people and wishing I could be more like them. I thought that if I could look like them, act like them, dress like them, or live like them, everything would somehow change.

It's embarrassing to admit today, but it's the truth.

And it's the kind of truth many survivors of sexual abuse live with every day.

I spent years trying to find a way to feel good about myself.

I remember being in high school and trying to dress, style my hair, and act like certain people because I believed that if I became more like them, I would finally like who I was.

After high school, I continued doing the same thing as an adult, as a husband, and as a father.

I hated it.

I just wanted to feel comfortable being me.

What I understand now is that I was carrying a shame-based identity.

At my core, I believed I was defective.

Broken.

Damaged.

Beyond repair.

I felt like I kept making the same mistakes over and over again, and every mistake reinforced the belief that I was a failure.

That was shame.

Shame was at the center of everything.

Shame tells us:

Over time, shame stops feeling like an emotion and starts feeling like an identity.

It becomes the lens through which we view everything.

Every setback.

Every mistake.

Every disappointment.

Everything bad that happens must somehow be because of us.

I spent more than twenty years disconnected from myself.

I didn't know what I thought.

I didn't know what I felt.

I didn't know what I wanted.

I didn't know what I needed.

I dissociated often and shut down emotionally.

I distracted myself with sports.

I used alcohol to escape reality.

At the time, I judged myself harshly for those behaviors. I felt weak. I felt like a loser.

That only fed the shame even more.

Today, I understand those behaviors differently.

I understand what trauma does to a person.

I understand that many of those behaviors were attempts to survive pain I didn't know how to process.

And that's why I share what I've learned.

Because I want you to understand what trauma does too.

Healing is the way forward.

Healing allows us to reconnect with ourselves.

It helps us separate who we truly are from the lies shame taught us to believe.

It helps us discover our voice, our values, our needs, and our identity.

In many ways, healing requires us to walk back through the fire of our past so we can create something better on the other side.

Today, I can honestly say something I never thought I would be able to say:

I like who I am.

I no longer wish I were someone else.

That doesn't mean I'm finished growing.

It doesn't mean I've arrived.

I'm still healing.

I'm still learning.

I'm still becoming.

And I will continue doing that for as long as I'm here.

But today, I like who I am.

And if you're struggling with the weight of shame right now, I want you to know something:

You can get there too.

Thank you for your support!

Resources: For resources, my programs, or to schedule a 30-minute discovery call, visit my website by clicking here.

NEW: I’ve started a private Facebook community called Survivor to Thriver Community: Healing, Support, and Growth. This community is by invite only. It’s a place where survivors can go to receive support from others that understand what they’re going through. If you’re interested, please send me an email at [email protected] and let me know you want to join and I’ll send you an invite.

If this newsletter has help you in any way, please share it with someone you know that may be struggling.