Uncertainty and Survival

I do a lot of writing every day. It’s therapeutic for me and helps me get everything out of my head. This has been a big part of my healing journey and continues to be a big part of it today.

As I’ve said before, you’re never “healed,” but always “healing.” Once we think we’re “healed,” that’s when we get into trouble. We start slacking off on the behaviors and actions that helped us to start healing in the first place.

With all of that being said, I want to start sharing more of my journal entries. I think they will be beneficial. My goal is to keep it real, to show you that healing is an up and down journey but one that’s always worth it.

June 4, 2025

Let’s talk about uncertainty. I’ve dealt with so much uncertainty throughout my military career. I would say from day 1, they immerse you in uncertainty.

Uncertainty has a significant effect on people. I’ve seen this firsthand in the military. Not only did I experience the negative effects of uncertainty myself, but I saw how it affected my Sailors.

Uncertainty was a daily occurrence during deployment. Uncertainty showed up in many forms during a deployment.

The biggest uncertainty was always our return to home port from deployment. We always started the deployment with an end date, but that end date rarely, if ever stayed the same in my experience.

Most of the time, you’re going to be extended. This can happen for various reasons such as maintenance issues with the ship that was supposed to relieve you, but most of the time it has to do with events outside of our control like COVID, or a world event that required our attention.

My last deployment in the Navy was during COVID. I’ve never faced more uncertainty in my life than during this 10-month deployment.

I was the Principal Assistant for Logistics (PAL) responsible for getting everything on and off the ship from food to parts for repairing the ship and aircraft, to mail, etc.

Uncertainty, major uncertainty, was a daily occurrence for me. I can say this now, but dealing with uncertainty always starts with your mindset.

You’re going to be attacked by a flood of negative thoughts and questions, and they can easily consume you.

You must be in the right state of mind to get good at dealing with uncertainty and this takes practice, intentional practice.

I recall being in the Middle East for most of deployment. We were tasked to move over to Africa to support operations on the ground there and that threw everything off for me and my team.

We had to come up with a plan on the fly to support the ship and aircraft so that they could support the operations on the ground.

This was the biggest challenge I had ever faced. It takes a lot of awareness and mindset to be able to push through something like this and if you’re stressed out because you’re focused on the uncertainty of it all, you’re not going to be at your best.

We don’t think well when we’re under stress and anxiety. It was my job, and I had to get it done. There was no back-up plan, it’s “here’s the situation, make it happen.”

You’re probably dealing with a lot of uncertainty in your life right now. We are living in uncertain times, and it will continue to be that way. Hell, it’s always been that way.

Think about those that had to live during the Great Depression, WWI, WWII, Vietnam, etc.

Uncertainty has always existed, and it will continue to exist. We must get better at dealing with it. 

June 5, 2025

“The unknown is where all possibility exists.” - Dr. Joe Dispenza

When we’re living in survival mode every day, our hearts are closed to new possibilities.

Our survival program kicks into high gear and the last thing on our minds is healing or opening our hearts.

We’re stuck in trying to make sure the armor is in place and we’re ready to protect ourselves.

Our very being, our heart and soul are layered with protection, our survival identity that was born out of our trauma from the past.

It’s like software running in the background of a computer. You’re not even aware that it’s there, but it’s controlling everything.

That’s how our trauma affects us today. I love what Joe Dispenza compared this to in one of his articles.

He mentions how our familiar past is like watching reruns of the same show over and over again. There are not surprises, we know what’s going to happen, and we continue to watch.

We are meant to live life in the “unknown.” The unknown is where the magic happens. The problem with the unknow is that survivors of trauma are trying to avoid it.

Many of us have lived in a state of unknown during the trauma we experienced. We didn’t know what was going to happen next, when it would happen, or how it would happen.

We didn’t know if our abuse was going to escalate or if it would be a “better day.”

I lived in the unknown during my sexual abuse and all I wanted after this experience is to be in the known.

The problem with being in the known is that the known becomes our state of survival. The known becomes those feelings of anger, rage, resentment, shame, guilt, embarrassment, hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts.

This is the known.

When we start our healing journey, we’re choosing to go into the unknown. We’re choosing to step out and become vulnerable, a feeling which trauma survivors will avoid at all costs.

However, this is the only way we can heal. We must step out into the unknown and reprogram our “known.”

Our “known” must not be our toxic past anymore, but we must create a new “healthy known.” This is our thriver identity.

Our thriver identity must become our new “known.” We must step out into the unknown in order to get to our new known.

Stay positive and take action!

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