The Only Way is Through

You cannot outrun your past.

I tried to do this for more than 20 years and failed.

Your past will eventually catch up with you. 

I tried to outrun my past by joining the Navy.

I thought I was good.

I had faced my sexual abuse, put the man who did it to me behind bars, went to college (didn’t do all that well), but wanted to get out of my hometown. 

I’m not going to say I wanted out only due what happened to me, but that was a big part of it. 

I attended therapy for a little while and felt I was good to go.

The Navy was my ticket out. 

I was ready to move on and leave the past behind.

Little did I know, my past would track me down repeatedly over the next 20 years. 

You don’t just get over or forget things in your past like sexual abuse.

That shit sticks with you.

It sticks with you deep down in your soul and will slowly rot you from the inside out if you don’t address it.

My past came out in several ways over the years.

I was reckless and didn’t give a f*ck what happened to me.

I was a heavy drinker, and this didn’t go well with the recklessness.

I was very negative and angry all the time.

I felt the world was against me and had a victim mentality.

For many years, I was hoping that something bad would happen to me and take me out of this life.

I didn’t want to be the one responsible for doing it and hurting everyone that cared about me. 

When I got married, I still drank quite a bit but wasn’t as reckless.

I took being the provider for my family very seriously. 

This was the one thing that saved my life: having a family.

I wasn’t going to leave them and make them deal with their husband/father committing suicide and then having to deal with everything else on top of that.

However, I coped in other ways because being a provider was about all I could handle.

I was checked out most of the time.

I was physically at home, but mentally, I was somewhere else.

Fast forward to the summer of 2020.

My family and I were making the trip from Thousand Oaks, CA to Bremerton, WA.

I received orders to the USS NIMITZ (CVN 68) as the Principal Assistant for Logistics (PAL).

I got a phone call and the guy I was taking over for asked me if I could report early due to COVID.

If I didn’t get out there early, I wouldn’t be able to get out to the ship for another few months.

I agreed to get out there early.

The ship had just left for deployment.

I knew that this was going to be a long deployment, without many port visits (if any at all), and challenging all around.

Sailors don’t do well when they cannot get into port on a regular basis to relax a little.

Knowing all of this, I decided I was going to take this opportunity to focus on me.

I was tired of doing the same things for the last 20 years and not getting different results, I made the decision to change.

I got serious about changing, the first order of business was addressing my past of sexual abuse.

I didn’t want to go there.

It was very difficult at first, but I kept at it.

I would write about it and just go through the experience in my mind.

I started accepting the fact that it did happen to me and that I could never change that.

I found peace with it and didn’t feel the shame, embarrassment, or anger as much that I had felt for so long.

Things started slowly changing the more and more I addressed it.

I got to a point where I wasn’t angry talking about it anymore.

I didn’t feel shame or embarrassment either.

I wanted to help others get through their trauma and change their mindset.

Fast forward to today; I’m sharing my story on social media attempting to help others change.

I’m starting a coaching business as well to work with those that want to change their negative mindset or break free from their past.

The more I share and attack my past, the more vulnerability I show, the stronger I become.

Your journey doesn’t have to look like mine.

You may have a completely different journey, but I do believe the foundation is the same; you have to address your past before you can build your future.

I encourage you to take on your past and start the healing process.

You deserve to start working on your future and it’s never too late.

Stay positive and take action!

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