What Are You Afraid of Losing?

What are you afraid of losing by starting your healing journey?

This probably seems like a weird question, but think about why you haven’t started, or why you’ve started and quit your healing journey.

Have you ever heard of loss aversion?

Loss aversion is the cognitive bias where the pain of a loss is felt more strongly than the pleasure of an equivalent gain.

For example, let’s say you were walking down the street and found $10. You would probably be pretty happy about that, right?

Now, imagine you were at the store trying to pay for something and realized that you had lost the $10 that was in your pocket.

Most people would be more affected by losing $10 than they would by gaining $10, this is loss aversion.

Believe it or not, loss aversion plays a role in whether we decide to start our healing journey.

This means you fear losing something by healing more than you will feel happy by gaining something by healing.

I spent 20 years struggling with my trauma from sexual abuse.

Believe it or not, I was afraid of losing a lot by healing and didn’t even know it.

So much so, that I would start my healing journey and then quit.

Even though it’s a terrible way to live, there are some benefits to living this way, benefits that are not good for you, but keep you safe and comfortable.

Here are some of the things trauma survivors may be afraid of losing when they start their healing journey:

1) Their Identity

Trauma can become so tied to who we believe we are that healing feels like losing a part of ourselves.

I call this our Survivor Identity. This is the identity that we created out of our trauma that kept us safe.

This was an identity that was necessary during and maybe immediately after the trauma occurred.

For me, this looked like disassociation from what was happening to me. I was physically there, but mentally somewhere else.

I continued to disassociate from things long after my trauma occurred. It was keeping me “safe.”

2) Sense of Control

Even though trauma responses are painful, they’re predictable. Healing feels uncertain and scary.

I started and stopped my healing journey over a span of 20 years. Much of this was due to the unknown or uncertainty of what would happen if I healed.

It is scary, and you want to run back to comfort even though the comfort is killing you.

3) Relationships

Some relationships are built around shared pain, victimhood, or codependency. Healing could threaten those bonds.

4) The Familiar

Suffering, anger, numbness, they become familiar “homes.” Letting go of familiar emotions can feel like stepping into the unknown.

I became addicted to these negative emotions. I was so used to feeling numb, anger, depressed, hopeless, that I didn’t know any other way.

Again, it was comfortable and familiar.

5) Excuses or Reasons

Trauma can sometimes be a (very valid) explanation for why you haven’t pursued certain dreams or goals.

When you’ve suffered sexual abuse or any major trauma, you have a valid reason to use anytime you don’t want to do something.

I used my sexual abuse as an excuse when things got tough.

This is not helping you heal or move forward with your life.

Healing removes the excuse, and that can be terrifying.

6) Protection Mechanism

Hypervigilance, detachment, mistrust, all ways you kept yourself safe. Healing can feel like becoming vulnerable again.

One of the hardest things I had to deal with when I started my healing journey for the last time, was feeling vulnerable.

This was scary and I never wanted to feel vulnerable again. When I started to open up and feel that vulnerability again, I actually found my strength.

It took time, but I found more and more strength in my vulnerability.

7) Your Story

Survivors often feel their story is the defining narrative of their life.

My story was, “I’m Mark and I’m a victim of sexual abuse.” Now, I didn’t say this to people I met, but this is what I was thinking on the inside.

Notice I said, “I’m a victim,” implying that I was still a victim long after the abuse occurred.

Healing could mean rewriting that story and that feels overwhelming.

8) Attention or Sympathy

Some survivors worry that if they heal, people will no longer understand or validate their struggles.

Again, I always had an excuse if I wanted sympathy. Who can push back on someone that says, “I was sexually abuse, what do you want me to do?”

9) The Known Pain

Even painful experiences feel safer than facing something new.

Healing requires facing emotions they’ve suppressed for years, a terrifying prospect.

Again, the fear of the unknown is one of the biggest fears of humans. It’s easier to stay in the known or comfortable than face the unknown.

I found comfort in my trauma and anytime I tried to heal from it, I was terrified and ran back to comfort.

10) Motivation from Pain

Some survivors are driven by anger, revenge, or proving people wrong. Healing might feel like losing their fuel.

Do any of these reasons above resonate with you?

Are you resisting starting or sticking with your healing journey because it’s comfortable?

I can promise you that it may be scary at first, but once you start seeing the results, you’re going to want to keep going and be glad you did.

All it takes is one step, one step towards your healing journey and go from there.

Stay positive and take action!

Thank you for your support!

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