It wasn’t a busy store, even on the weekends.

“Sit up here and keep a lookout for customers.”
That’s what he told me.

I remember feeling relief when a customer finally came in. For a few moments, he would leave me alone while he helped them. I used to wonder what those customers would think if they knew what was happening.

I never had the courage to say anything and honestly, I don’t know if they would have believed me even if I did.

I stayed near the front of the store as much as possible while he sat in the back. I did everything I could to avoid going back there with him.

Thinking about it now still triggers shame, embarrassment, and guilt.

I know the truth today, but the feelings still show up.

Why did I let this happen?
I was 15 years old… why didn’t I stop it?

Even with everything I now understand about trauma and the nervous system, that question still tries to haunt me.

The truth is, I froze.

It was shocking. I didn’t know what to do.

There were so many times I wished I heard the bells on the front door jingle—signaling a customer walking in.

But they didn’t jingle often enough.

So I disappeared mentally.
I went somewhere far away from what was happening in that moment.

That mental retreat is how I survived.

Here’s the hard truth:

Many survivors of sexual abuse don’t make it.

They can only carry so much shame, guilt, disgust, embarrassment, and self-hatred before they end their lives.

Those of us who do survive often live for decades in that internal hell, sometimes for the rest of our lives.

A few of us find our way into healing. We can go on to live meaningful, even beautiful lives, but the memories don’t disappear.

The pain doesn’t vanish.
The feelings don’t fully go away.

We learn how to face them.
We get better at dealing with them.

This moment, right now, is one of those moments for me.

You should never have to worry about something like this happening to you at work.

You should never have to worry about it happening anywhere, but especially not in a place where you’re supposed to be safe.

It’s fucking bullshit.

And yes, I still get angry.

Because that sick, demented fuck stole decades from me.

I don’t know who I would have been if this hadn’t happened.

And it’s important to mourn that version of yourself, the person you could have become.

That doesn’t mean I want to go back and change it.
If I did, I wouldn’t have the life I have today.

I wouldn’t have my wife.
I wouldn’t have my two boys.

That’s not what this is about.

But still…
Who knows what I could have been if I hadn’t spent 20 years fucked up from sexual abuse?

That grief is real.

Yes, I still get angry sometimes, and that’s okay.

Anger has to be processed.
It has to move.

Healing isn’t about running anymore.

I’m angry because it wasn’t my fault, and yet I suffered anyway.

The shame, blame, guilt, and embarrassment?
Those are lies from hell.

I know now: it was never my fault.

The feelings may still attack, but the truth doesn’t change.

If there’s one thing I’ll never have sympathy for, it’s people who hurt children or take advantage of others, especially sexual predators.

I won’t go into detail here about what I think should happen to them, but I don’t have positive feelings about them.

What happens instead is that survivors turn that anger inward.

And over years, that self-directed anger destroys them.

If you don’t start healing, this is not an easy life.

Most of the time, you think about dying.

I know this sounds heavy, but it’s the truth.

And here’s the other truth:

You can heal.

It’s worth the fight.
Even with everything I’ve said here, it’s still worth it.

When you find your strength, something shifts.

You stop backing down.
You fight.

And you don’t just fight for yourself, you fight for those who aren’t fighting yet.

I hate that I connect so deeply with others who share this kind of past. I hate it because it means it keeps happening.

But it’s also a blessing because I can help.

That man stole my sense of self for years.

I felt lost.
I didn’t know who I was.
I thought I was to blame.
I carried pain that was never mine to carry.

I know that now.

And I will continue to push back against the lies when they show up.

I will continue to fight.

Stay positive and take action!

Thank you for your support!

Resources: For resources, my programs, or to schedule a 30-minute discovery call, visit my website by clicking here.

NEW: I’ve started a private Facebook community called Survivor to Thriver Community: Healing, Support, and Growth. This community is by invite only. I want it to be a place where survivors can go to receive support from others that understand what they’re going through. If you’re interested, please send me an email at [email protected] and let me know you want to join and I’ll send you an invite.