When the Old Identity Tries to Take Over: Fighting for Who You're Becoming

I lost focus last week.

I started to operate on autopilot again, and lost focus of my priorities.

I received feedback about this and ………

Before I go into what happened next, let me tell you how it used to go.

I would make a mistake, not do what I said I would do, or get stuck in my own head.

I would get feedback about this, and it would all go south from there.

I got extremely defensive and denied the feedback I was receiving.

I figured if I denied it, I would feel that pain of failure again.

That never worked.

After I got defensive and denied everything, the condemnation started.

One thought after another:

“You’re a piece of shit.”

“You can’t do anything right.”

“You’re never going to change.”

“You don’t ever do anything you say you’re going to do.”

“You made this same mistake last week.”

“Why even bother anymore.”

And on and on and on.

How are we supposed to heal when we talk to ourselves like that?

We can’t, it will never happen.

So last week, when I was operating on autopilot and received feedback, I was able to handle it differently, but it wasn’t easy.

There are going to be times when we can handle the things we couldn’t handle in the past.

The things that would have destroyed us when we were at our worst.

There are going to be times when we have to fight like hell to not slip back into our trauma identity.

This is a great sign, you’re actually fighting.

Negative Self-Talk

You see that negative self-talk is not really about who you are now.

It’s tied back to when you were hurt, broken, and scarred.

Your trauma identity was formed out of survival.

The identity that has you run or close off when you hear something that bothers you.

The one that has you run when you feel the slightest bit of vulnerability.

The one that has you lash out at people before they can hurt you.

The one that disassociates or distracts yourself when you start to feel any kind of emotions.

You’re going to have to continue to work on becoming your thriver identity.

The identity that you’re choosing to become now as you heal.

How to Fight

When I received that feedback last week, I wanted to go to the trauma identity.

The thoughts started to attack.

“Here we go again Mark, you thought you were healed and had it all figured out and look at you now.”

“You thought you escaped, but you’re the same piece of shit you were before.”

“You’re never going to be able to change.”

Yes, these thoughts started to attack.

This time, I was prepared to fight.

I recognized what was happening.

Once I recognized that the negative thoughts were rolling in, I reminded myself that those thoughts are not who I am now.

They are not true.

I started using positive self-talk to get me out of that mindset.

I reminded myself that I have a choice now, I can choose to go down that old path, or I can choose to turn this situation around right now.

I chose to turn the situation around right then and there.

I was thankful for the feedback and used it to correct myself.

And I did just that, I got back on track.

I was proud of myself for doing this, it was a big moment.

Each time you choose to fight during these moments, claw your way forward, take that next step no matter how hard it is, you get a little stronger.

You start to rewire your brains circuitry.

This is how we heal, this is how we start to build our new identity.

Don’t Condemn, Have Compassion

If you happen to get it wrong and go down that familiar path of negative self-talk and self-sabotage, get yourself back on track as soon as possible.

Have compassion for yourself and use that experience as another opportunity to reflect on what happened and think about how you want it to go next time.

Take the time to visualize that scenario playing out how you wanted it to play out.

You see, our brains don’t know the difference between something actually happening and us visualizing that same thing happening.

Use this to your advantage to play it out how you wanted it to go in your mind for next time.

The worst thing you can do in this situation is condemn yourself.

Your best friend during your healing journey is always going to be self-compassion.

The Triggers

The hardest part about change is choosing a different behavior when we’re triggered.

That’s always going to be the hardest part.

We’ve conditioned ourselves to react a certain way when something happens.

We must continue to reshape how we view those triggers and how we respond to them, and it’s going to take time and repetition.

That’s all it is, time and repetition.

How do we get good at anything in life?

We keep practicing and practicing and practicing until it becomes second nature.

Healing is no different, rebuilding your identity is no different, and changing your life is no different.

You’ve Got This

Don’t think about what it’s going to take to become the person you were always meant to become.

Just focus on taking that next step today.

Sometimes it comes down to winning the minute and the next one, and the one after that, and so on.

This is normal and this is a great sign that you’re growing and healing.

The worst thing you can do is quit, stop fighting.

Continue to move forward, make mistakes, learn from them, and get stronger.

I’m going to continue to fight because it’s worth it.

Stay positive and take action!

Thank you for your support!

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